Yesterday I went into London to go to work – a simple enough sentence, but why do I feel so guilty about it?!
To be honest, I sometimes feel guilty and sometimes feel like it’s a guilty pleasure – to be away from home, to be away from the sticky fingers, to be away from the demands of endless questions…I miss it and then, well, actually I don’t!
For the last twenty *ahem* years I’ve been a working girl/working mum for many reasons, including the fact that I didn’t want to be dependent on anyone for anything. I don’t mean that I crave independence in a “I am woman, hear me roar” Helen Reddy kind of way (although it is a good song to bellow your lungs out to post boyfriend break-ups, but I am going back a few years!) but I mean that if I want to do something, without question, without a raised eyebrow, or without thinking “ohh, but have I really earned it?”, I have the guilt-free ability to do it – whether it’s buying a ridiculously sparkly number for Mademoiselle or enjoying wine & dinner with some girlfriends.
But the last two years it all seemed to change as I became a Stay At Home Mum, and becoming reliant on DadTired for many of our day-to-day things, let alone the little excesses in life, drove me CRAZY. Whilst DadTired didn’t mind, I did! I thought going back to work would be the solution to regaining my sort-of-independence – and my mind!
But I’ve realised that what I’ve been missing out on isn’t independence – hey, I’ve always had that! – it’s ME time.
As a SAHM, I felt guilty about enjoying time to myself, seeing it as time off, when there were chores to be done – and let’s face it there is always something to do. Hence I was loosing some of my independence.
But everyone needs time off, don’t they?!
Ironically, going back to work has given me that time off.
Starting this blog – and loving the connections & opportunities it is bringing – has given me that time off.
It’s the ME time I have truly missed over the last 24 months – like being independently minded to think about something other than baby/child/school/PTA things/what’s for dinner/is her ballet outfit clean etc?.
To be able to have some ME time to independently choose how I fill it has been the missing ingredient.
So whilst going back to work, albeit part time, means my organisational skills have to go into overdrive, and that I do (very) occasionally miss bedtime because of an overrun meeting, and I do miss Thing 1 & Thing 2 inane chatter, on the plus side I do get to enjoy what I now see as my uber pleasure – ME time.
Should I feel guilty? Is it really a pleasure or should I demand it as my right? Who knows? Questions for another time…and possibly with a Shrink!
But right now, ME time looks like a cup of hot, proper coffee, 40 minutes of uninterruptedness on the 09.34 into London and a good read.
Until I have to get off the train to go to work. But then there’s always the journey home.
My small but [or not so?] guilty pleasure…
Sara says “a piece of writing can convey information, knowledge, emotion; it can take us to places we’ve never been and change our world view. It can make us cry or it can make us laugh. It can challenge our perceptions, our misconceptions. It can teach us” – and I agree.
She ‘prompts’ bloggers with a word and they write what it means to them. Some of the prompts do what Sara set out to do, they make me stop and think.
Please use #ThePrompt as a springboard to discover more parents who blog, and you can follow me via Bloglovin button below